A colourful character who on his day can prove an extremely average cricketer with both bat and ball. Known for his relentless narcissism, homo erotic leanings and impressive ability to "talk a good game", he has become a cult figure at the Dean where he has flattered to deceive for many years.
After spending the last few years fluctuating blandly between the elevens, Simon has finally made his play for glory in 2020 by initiating a bloodless coup d'etat, removing the long time incumbent Jonathan Gay and taking over the prized role of 3rd XI captain.
Simon intends to run a tyrannical tight ship and has confirmed he will be flogging wicketless bowlers, removing the fingernails of batsman who are out for under ten and burning anyone who drops a catch from his bowling at the stake.
Simon has also confirmed the rumours by announcing his engagement and forthcoming wedding to the lovely Miss Mellie Cockapoo. This will take place in September, one week after the end of the season and Simon's inevitable sacking.